“Other people matter” is the pithy finding of noted psychology researchers Christopher Peterson, Jane Dutton, Kim Cameron and others. This concept especially applies to dealing with adversity and so the seventh and last principle in building resilience is: Reach out to others.

This principle has two components – reaching out to others to ask for help, as well as reaching out to others to offer help.

Asking for help is often difficult to do. For people who have a socialised “cowboys-don’t-cry” attitude, even the idea of admitting to having a problem can be very threatening, never mind asking for help. Males, as a generalisation, seem to have more difficulty than females when it comes to asking for help. In addition, and again as a generalisation, the more senior a person is in the organisational hierarchy, the more difficult it is to ask for help. This may be because asking for and accepting assistance may be perceived as a weakness or demonstration of not being up to the task and a sign of not coping. Other concerns about asking for help include:
• “I will feel embarrassed”
• “It will make me look stupid”
• “The person wont respect me afterwards”
• “The person wont want to help”
• “I will be surrendering control to another person”
• “The other person may ask for something in return”

As a consequence of these fears, we may err on the side of delay in asking for help and thereby possibly allow the problem to get worse. Like most difficult conversations, it is thus better to have the conversation about asking for help sooner rather than later.

On the other hand, offering and giving support and assistance to others is usually an easier conversation – particularly in a work context if one’s role requires mentoring and coaching. There is a payoff for the person giving the support – assisting others in need boosts the giver’s resilience, even in cases when the giver is experiencing adversity themselves.

To bring this principle of building resilience home to yourself, there are two questions you may like to consider. Firstly, when you go through tough times to whom can you reach out to for assistance? Secondly, who is going through tough times to whom you can offer assistance and advice?

Answering these questions for yourself will help build your inner resourcefulness and buffering capability – your resilience to cope with adversity, heal, move on and flourish.

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This is another in a series of blogs about the principles of building resilience which come from the research we carried out with South Africans at work. We asked 76 people to give us examples (critical incident interviews) of what they did when experiencing hard times (adversity) and how they got through it (resilience), and checked out the common themes that arose (constructs) with them in group discussions (focus groups). From this information, we developed principles and steps which we have taught to several hundred people. They report sustained changes in their resilience both after the training and then three months later – changes which are statistical significant.

The fifth principle of Building Resilience is “Be realistically optimistic”. It concerns building personal resilience by choosing to live with a positive attitude. This positive attitude should be realistic however, as unfounded optimism results in unrealistic expectations which in turn diminishes resilience as it frequently disappoints and even hinders coping.

At the heart of this principle is the strong belief that one can to a large extent influence the direction of one’s life and that the inevitable problems encountered along life’s journey can be solved. Resilient people choose to be positive rather than negative. This construct echo’s Viktor Frankl’s (1982) thoughts and logotherapy concepts: "…everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way".

We all tell ourselves stories about ourselves to make sense of our experiences of life (explanatory style). These stories have the power to mould and ultimately define who we are, and in this way, the stories we tell ourselves create ourselves. In the diagramme, which is adopted from the wonderful work of Martin EP Seligman, you will see that optimists (star gazers) view the good things they experience as permanent and affect everything, whereas the bad things they experience are perceived as temporary and have limited effect on their overall lives.This is very different to the pessimists (mud gazers) who have an almost opposite view on how things happen in their lives.

Some people are born more optimistic than others, but the good news is that realistic optimism can be enhanced and so one does not need to be stuck in the mind-set of persistently seeing doom and gloom. One of the ways of enhancing optimism is to reframe the adversity which was described under the principle of maintaining perspective. This enables one to change the story one tells oneself, and thus choose a more balanced and positive outlook on life.

There are two additional simple but powerful exercises which can assist building resilience by enhancing realistic optimism: reflecting on the good that has happened to you over the past 24 hours and reflecting on what you are really grateful for and why. The benefits are profound: people who do these exercises regularly report enhanced optimism, positivity, energy and connectedness.

Do you need to become more realistically optimistic? If so, what don’t you try one of the exercises once a day at the same time for a week? It’s free and the benefits are huge!

Reference: Seligman MEP, 1990: Learned Optimism. How to change your mind and your life. Vintage Books

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This is the fourth short article in the series about the principles of building resilience. It has its origin in the research we carried out on resilience and the training based on these principles which is designed to assist people build their resilience. Delegates report the training builds their inner resourcefulness and enables them to live more joyful and fulfilling lives.

The third principle of building resilience is: Maintain perspective and concerns the inner world of one’s thoughts. It is particularly important because as a species we are programmed from our past to be more alert for negative than positive. This negative focus was very useful in providing narrow, fixed and detailed focus when confronted by a sabre-toothed lion or marauding tribes on the veld of ancient Africa, but is less helpful in finding creative solutions to modern day adversities which require open, creative and flexible thinking. In today’s’ world, this ancient negative bias sometimes intrudes into our lives as unwelcome strong and persistent negative thoughts. One person described this ruminating negative thought pattern to be: “like in a washing machine … going round and round … then pausing …. and then going round and round again; on and on”.

To build resilience, negatively biased thinking and persistent negative self talk can be reframed. This can be done by finding alternative ways of thinking about the problem or event, such as how one can learn from it, or how one can accept it. Other ways of reframing are to choose milder and less calamitous ways of expressing the adversity, or to change the statements that run through one’s mind into questions, and then focus your thoughts on finding answers to the questions.

Some people find that changing their behaviour changes their negative thought bias and thinking patterns. Examples are exercising; talking with supportive friends; eating a favourite food such as chocolate or ice-cream; shopping; going to movies; reading a novel; partying. Not all these activities will reduce everyone’s negative thinking – the challenge is to find what works for you. The outcome should be distraction from the stress of the adversity, recharging energy and then returning with renewed vigour to deal with the stress and difficulties.

It is also useful where possible to avoid or minimise situations which trigger persistent negative thoughts. Examples we were given of situations to avoid were of particular events (e.g. a stressful monthly family get together), people (e.g. negative colleagues or difficult clients) and physical conditions (e.g. tiredness and being hungry). Alternatively, challenging negativism in others, such as negative statements and opinions that are unfounded, biased, or open to interpretation may also be a useful way of controlling one’s own negative thoughts in order to maintain perspective.

A final element of this principle of building resilience is maintaining perspective by engaging in enjoyable, relaxing and recharging activities. Taking steps to change the scenery, pace and people around one can provide a counterbalance to the intense demands and naturally narrowing thought focus when dealing with adversity. This was variously expressed as “taking time out for myself”; “having me-time”; and “taking time to smell the roses”.

What is your most effective method of maintaining perspective in tough time so as to be resilient?

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This is the second in the series of blogs about our research and findings on resilience carried out with South Africans at work. It describes the second Principle of Building Resilience: Use your Unique Strengths.

Self knowledge emerged as an important component of resilience. Realistic self insight into one’s own character strengths and vulnerabilities is the basis for understanding one’s capabilities and limits when dealing with adversity. Character strengths are different to job strengths: the former are life-long whereas job strengths are specific and change with circumstances. Unfounded beliefs about character strengths as well as vulnerabilities can potentially hinder or even derail action to recover from adversity.

People describe using their strengths as “ light”, “easy”, “fun” and “obvious”. Using our natural character strengths to problem solve, devise creative solutions and reach out to others during adversity comes easy to us, as well as being experienced as fun and even joyful.

During our training workshops however, people often struggle to identify their strengths, whilst they are able to quickly able to reel off a list of weaknesses or “development areas”. Ironically they frequently report having tried to improve their weaknesses for many years, often with slow or even no progress! Character strengths on the other hand, are frequently downplayed as it is sometimes felt that acknowledging and deliberately focussing on them would be boasting. This lack of balance is unfortunate, because logically there should be greater success when using natural strengths than weaknesses in coping with adversity.

Knowledge of personal vulnerabilities or weaknesses is also important, as accurate self insight enables the development of a realistic recovery strategy and expectations from adversity. This was pithily expressed by one manager who after describing an acrimonious divorce and having to sell and split the proceeds of a struggling small business, stated: “I know who I am; what I can do and what I cant do. I have been through a lot of crap, and I have become an expert on myself.”

Developing and correcting one’s weaknesses to a minimum level of competence will at best prevent failure. Developing and using character strengths on the other hand has the potential to create personal excellence. Using character strengths is uplifting and sets the foundation to live a fulfilling and joyful life.

Having overcome previous adversities, particularly significant ones, can be a source of strength, optimism and welcome positive feelings. An ultra distance road runner said that training for and finishing 9 Comrades Marathons (79 kilometre road race), had taught him to persevere and not give up when things got tough – and the race became a metaphor for his life which he cited as: “when the going gets tough, the tough gets going”. He knew his strengths and effectively capitalised in them in times of adversity.

What are your strengths and how can you capitalise on them to build your resilience?

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Being retrenched is inevitably felt as a devastating blow which affects not only the salary earner, but also dependents, and the wider circle of family and friends. Even worse, when a plant or factory closes, whole communities are suddenly at risk. This is the environment we are facing.

So what should you do when you get the news everyone fears – “so sorry for all your hard work and many years of service, but we are retrenching you”? What practical steps can you take when you yourself are retrenched?
Alternatively, what can you do when someone close to you has been retrenched? What advice can you give?

Very useful advice is given on the web site: http://www.jobprofiles.org/library/job-search/100-creative-painless-ways-to-downsize-life.htm. It details 100 positive suggestions under headings of: around the house; physical and mental health; useful hobbies to learn; financial changes and so on.

Another way is building resilience through community activities. Many useful suggestions are given on the web site: http://munnecke.com/blog/?p=299

The message is to do something and preferably do several of the things suggested on these web sites. If you have been retrenched, you need to deal with the implications. Start by talking to your loved ones and community.

If you have friends and loved ones who have been retrenched, talk to them about how they feel, and what they are doing to cope with their changed circumstances. Reach out to them. Get involved with them and their plans. You will help them, and if you yourself have been retrenched, you may find that helping others in some strange ways actually helps you. It did for me.

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